~ As stepmoms it’s common for us to feel like our husband’s ex wife hates you, here are the 10 reasons why his ex wife hates you for no reason!
~A little disclosure before we talk about the reasons why his ex wife hates you. I write these reasons with both the ex wife and the new wife in mind. I have been the crazy ex and I have been the new wife that has been hated. This is my second time around as a stepmom. And I am learning just like you! But I do feel like I understand both sides on this one. My husband’s ex wife and I get along great! Just like I get along with my Ex husband’s new wife great now too, but it was after some self-discovery on my part.
10 Reasons Why His Ex Wife Hates you For No Reason!
I feel like it is a common trend, you know the one when you get married to the man of your dreams after he has already been married once and you picture this perfect life that you will have? Yeah, you know that one! But then all of a sudden reality sets in and you are faced with his ex wife who apparently hates you?! And you think what the heck did I ever do?!
I am going to take you to the way back today. We are talking 15 years ago way back!
I had just turned 20 years old and I was getting married. I always knew I would get married young. Since I was little all I ever wanted to do was to be a mom and raise a family.
My ex husband and I met and fell in love. Things were good while we dated, or so I thought. He had a great relationship with his ex wife. So naturally, I thought when we got married things would still be good…
We got married and went on our honeymoon… 1 week to the day no joke my life literally turned into a living hell. We were served court papers with his ex wife asking for more money (my income from my job- I didn’t even know that was a thing) and trying to get more time with the kids.
For the next 5 years, we were in and out of court several times a year dealing with his ex wife.
His ex wife hated me, and I didn’t do anything to her! But in her eyes, I had done everything to her!
For the life of me I couldn’t figure out how an ex wife could hate a stepmom so much, but then it all made sense to me!
Here are 10 Reasons Why His Ex Wife Hates you For No Apparent Reason!
You are a constant reminder that she failed
Let’s face it stepmoms, you are a constant reminder that her marriage did not work out. Every time she sees you, it reminds her of what she had. As she watches you and her ex husband be happy it reminds her that she was not able to achieve that for her whole lifetime. Reality sets in that he is in love again, but not with her. This transition for her will take time.
She sees the change she always wanted in your Ex Husband
I remember when my ex husband got married again… As I saw him interact with her I was able to see subtle changes in him. Ones that I hoped for when we were married. And no, these were not the changes that led to our divorce, but these were changes that made me realize he was trying. He was working on being a better person, husband, and father. I was excited to see these changes, but it is hard to see all at the same time.
You make your husband happy
You make your husband happy! What a great thing that you do, right? But in her eyes, she at times wishes that was her making him happy! You can do what she wasn’t able to do. So, with that said, just keep being you! Keep making your husband happy and trying to make your stepkids happy too!
You will spend more time with her kids
It is a given that you will spend time with her kids. Your husband’s ex wife will, of course, think her kids should be spending that time with her instead of you. TRUST ME! I thought about this! It is hard to share your kids with someone who is not you or their biological parent. You will naturally be at sporting events, plays, dance recitals and more. She now will have to introduce you as in my case, Michele so and so’s stepmom. She no longer has the sole title of the one and only mom because now the kids have another mother figure in their life, even though you are making no attempts to replace her!
You have what she wants
If she is not over her ex husband you have what she still wants. She wants to be happily married to her ex husband still. She wants her family still intact. It makes her sad that the reality of this happening is officially gone forever. You are her constant reminder that he has moved on.
She thinks you want to replace her
It’s natural for our own insecurities to kick into high gear. As moms, we think we are being replaced or trying or be replaced. We know that deep down you aren’t trying to do this. But you know as women we are our own worst enemies. In our minds, we are losing everything that is most dear to us, our kids. We have been down every rabbit hole possible and therefore conclude on our own that we are being replaced.
She is afraid her kids will like you more
I remember when I met the boys’ stepmom. She was fun and always happy! I remember the boys telling me one day that when they went to dad’s house there were always fresh cookies! This made them so happy. But yet made me so upset. Why did this make me upset? Well, I being insecure immediately felt threatened. I felt like the boys liked her more because she made fresh cookies when they came! I didn’t make fresh cookies when the boys came home… My fear was my kids were going to like her and even love her more than me!
When I had time to really look back at this situation how dumb was I really? The boys had a stepmom who actually loved them! She cares about them. Certainly, there is no reason why I should hate my husband’s new wife!
As stepmoms, we love our stepkids, but we love them differently. We are just another person to love your child.
She doesn’t know you
As stepmoms, we always say why does my husband’s ex wife hate me she doesn’t even know me! You are so right about that! SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW YOU! It takes time for her to notice that you have great intentions and that you aren’t trying to replace her. She needs to get to know you so she can see all your great qualities.
Until his ex wife gets to know you she will come up with her own crazy ideas about you whatever they may be. Perhaps she doesn’t want to know you and that is a shame. But give her the benefit of the doubt that she does want to get to know you, but doesn’t know how. Or maybe she is shy. Reach out to her, get to know her. After all, whether you want to be or not you are in each other’s lives for a long time to come.
She’s jealous of you
There is probably a hint of jealousy that his ex wife has towards you. You are now married to the man she loved at one point. You get to spend time with her kids when they visit. Her life has changed. It is probably still changing. Take a step back and reflect on the fact that it is probably hard on everyone.
But, maybe you did do something?
Ok, sometimes as stepmoms we do something to offend and we don’t even know it! Perhaps we made cookies and sent them home with them to mom’s house. This sweet gesture might have put our husband’s ex into a tailspin because she always makes cookies with the kids. Yes, we know you did nothing wrong. In fact, you didn’t know they made cookies together, but in her eyes, you should have known and you did it to make her look bad.
So, let’s just be careful. Don’t sign up to be team mom for your stepson’s sports teams for a while. Rather than volunteer in the classroom see if you can do something at home to help. Our job as moms and stepmoms is to work together not against each other! Let their mom be the star player and you be the cheerleader on the sidelines assisting when needed. By doing this you are putting your stepkids above anything else which is amazing of you!
There are times…
Because I have been on both sides, a bio mom and a stepmom I know that there are times when things are awkward. I know this awkwardness can make it appear as though your husband’s ex wife hates you for no reason. I get it. Like I said, I have been there. But continue to try and cultivate a relationship. It is hard and it might be rejected for a LONG TIME, but I promise at some point his ex wife will thank you. She will thank you for always being there and supporting their child, your stepchild.
Now to finish my story…
Now, to finish my story from the beginning of the post… After years of various reasons why his ex wife hates you she finally didn’t… In fact, she trusted me with her kids and would confide in me with her struggles. (I am not saying you need to be this person.) But I tell you to give you hope that after time there can be a breakthrough where hate will turn to mutual respect, but it just takes T-I-M-E.
So, stepmoms keep doing what you are doing! Keep loving those kids! Keep trying… Don’t lose hope because one day there will be no more reasons why his ex wife hates you!
What is your biggest struggle as a stepmom? Share it with so we can grow together!
Michele is a Family Life Educator. She is a mom to 5 kids and loves helping others strengthen their families! When she is not blogging she is spending time with her family and running around drinking Diet Coke trying to get everything done!