As I was sitting earlier today with my husband before he had surgery I glanced over at him in between coloring with Talie and feeding Tony and saw him just staring at me with the most loving look with watery eyes… I said to him, “What are you doing because you are looking at me as if you will never see me again?” He smiles and said, “Just looking at you…” As we (the kids and I) left the hospital (yes, I have some wife guilt not staying with him, but with so many kids at home some things are just not possible) I began to think to myself, “What if this is the last time I saw him, would he know… and so many thoughts ran through my head….”
I hope he would know just how much I love him and how no one could ever replace him. I hope he would know that I think he is the most patient loving dad I have ever known. I hope he would know that not a day would pass that I would not think about him and miss him tremendously.I hope he would know that he is the best thing that ever happened to me… I hope he would know…
I then began to think about all the little things that I made into big deals like the toilet seat being up, the dishes he put in the sink right after I just finished doing all the dishes, and amount of perfection he has on every project we do therefore it taking 5x as long… And thought are these things really that big of a deal that I should have spent those moments complaining to him about, rather than loving him for who he is?
I then thought if this was the last time I saw him I wished we would have snuggled more, laughed a little harder together, disagreed a little less; compromised a little more, dated more after having kids, and really enjoyed our time together so we had so many memories to look back on.
Thankfully this not the end for us… I get to pick him up in a few hours, and we get to continue to make memories and learn from the past to make the future brighter together. We get that… I am lucky, some are not so lucky where the last memory they have of their spouse is the fight over what to watch on TV or who left the shoes in the hallway that they tripped over, or some other small thing they wished now they would have never brought up.
When it comes to our spouse, do we give them our best or what’s leftover after everything else we have done that day? Do we make the most of our time together or do we make it about who can be the most snarky or sarcastic to each other? Do we spend our time wondering if our spouse loves us or spend it showing them just how much we love them?
Let’s make our marriages more intentional where we love more and get offended less so if it was the last time, we would not regret the memories we have together. So when we want to get upset or mad just think to yourself, “What if it’s the last time?”