Are you trying to find the trick to how to stop yelling at your kids? We are sharing 21 proven tips to stop yelling today!
How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids
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We have all been there… You know the day where you feel like your kids just won’t listen to you no matter what you say or how you say it.
After the 1500th time of telling them to stop doing something, it happens… You snap and you start yelling at your kids.
In the moment you are like a crazy person screaming at the top of your lungs that what they are doing it not okay and that they need to stop!
They look at you with the deer in the headlights look and inside for a brief moment you feel like you just won the battle that they are going to listen, but then your kids start crying or start doing exactly what they were going and that mom guilt creeps in and you feel horrible for yelling at your kids, again.
In that moment, you wonder, “How do I stop yelling at my kids?” Is it even possible? Maybe I am just born to be a yeller?
I am here to tell you that it is 100% possible to stop yelling at your kids with these 19 proven techniques to stop yelling.
How Do You Stop Yelling at Your Kids?
The first step to stop yelling at your kids is to recognize why we yell at our kids. 9 times out of 10 moms yell when we are in a bad mood.
We get in a bad mood usually because we are suffering from mom funk. You know that ailment we get when we are literally just going through the motions of life finding no joy?
The other thing we need to do in order to stop yelling at our kids is to make a conscious effort to want to change. Once we decide this we can apply these 19 proven tips to help end yelling in our home forever!
How to stop yelling at your kids forever
1. Find your triggers
To step yelling you must find your triggers. What is the one thing that always gets you? Or the group of things that always get you?
The thing that causes me to yell the most is when it is close to bedtime and the kids decide it is play time.
When I began to recognize this as one of my “triggers” for yelling I am able to better recognize my emotions in that situation.
Bedtime is at 9 pm on the dot. I used to become overly annoyed and start yelling if the kids were not in bed at 9.
This caused many a nights for the kids to go to bed sad and me to suffer the guilt all night.
I have come to realize that if I stay calm they are more apt to go to bed on time or right around bedtime.
2. Give a warning
It is important to give our kids a warning when we feel our frustration and anger seeking in. “Colby, I am getting frustrated.” “Chase I am getting upset.” Talie, “I don’t want to to yell, can you please listen?”
By giving this warning you are notifying your child what is to come. It also helps you to recognize it so you can shift your behavior in a way that will help your relationship not harm it.
3. Remember that yelling is not effective
Yelling is not effective… It never has been and it never will be. Since I have made a conscious effort to stop yelling at the kids I reply, “what you say and how you say it becomes their inner voice.”
To me this is important because I always want them to feel good about themselves, so by me not yelling I am helping them have better self esteem.
In fact, Joseph Shrand, Ph.D., an instructor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School says, “Kids are actually going to listen less when you yell at them.”
New research also is suggesting that yelling is proving to have the same psychological effects on kids that hitting them does.
So rather than yelling, remember to try and find a more effective strategy.
4. Plan ahead
When you have a plan you are more likely to effectively stop yelling at your kids.
To formulate a plan, think of those trigger situations. Then create a plan as to how to handle them better.
For me, remember my trigger situation was bedtime. So my first step was to create a bedtime routine.
A bedtime routine can be established for kids of all ages, not just babies and toddlers.
Once the routine was in place, I would remind them each night at 8:30 that it was time to get ready for bed (rather than 5 minutes before bedtime like before).
Like clockwork the boys would start horsing around, being Lous, checking their phones, wanting snacks, etc.
This new plan gives them 30 minutes to get all the shenanigans out even before I begin to get frustrated.
So then about 10 minutes before bedtime I remind them bedtime in 10 minutes.
When the 10 minutes is up, I have planned my Positive First Response, when they choose to not listen: “Boys, I don’t think you heard me the first time, It’s time to get ready for bed. Please head to your rooms and I will come tuck you in.”
With planning ahead I was able to make the night run smoother as well as eliminate the yelling that was occurring night after night.
To recap planing ahead:
- Think about the situations that makes you most frustrated
- Give a warning about the upcoming event / or behavior
- Have a planned first response.
These three simple steps can stop yelling dead in its tracks day after day.
5. Stay calm / take a deep breath
Your kids just dumped a whole gallon of milk on the floor for the second time this week, it’s okay stay calm!
Easier said than done I know! I am right there with you!
But really when we are able to stay calm we stay in control of the situation.
One way to do this and to stop yelling at your kids is to take some deep breaths. Count in your head or out loud, or practice mindfulness.
When we are able to stay calm we stay in control of the situation.
6. Take a timeout – Like you not them
When you feel yourself about to start yelling at your kids, it is time to take a timeout.
This timeout is actually a timeout for you not them. Excuse yourself from the situation before you lost it.
While there take some deep breaths. Analyze the situation and regain your thoughts.
I know you might think that your kids are winning, but you are the real winner here recognizing that you are still in control of the situation because you did not lose it.
Kids respond better when you walk away. They usually are more apt to start listening.
Walking away from a situation also shows my kids that it is okay to walk away from situations they are in before they lose it.
It teaches them it is not okay to scream or shout. We can all take a moment to compose ourselves before dealing with the situation at hand and choose to stop yelling.
7. Is it age appropriate behavior?
In order to stop yelling at your kids you need to recognize if it is age appropriate behavior.
I know the whining and the sudden outbursts are annoying when the toddler’s iPad stops working or you can’t find his favorite show on TV, but these are normal toddler behaviors.
By recognizing that this is normal, it is easier for us to reset our emotions and frustrations and love them through their sudden outburst better.
8. Use a firm, but soft voice
The secret to stop yelling at your kids is to use a soft, but firm voice.
This will take every ounce of patience you have, but as you do you will have better results than yelling and screaming.
One of my favorite tactics for this is to get at my child’s level, look them in the eye and remind them what I have asked them to do, or remind them that their behavior is not okay in our house.
As I do this I get a much better response than yelling at my kids.
9. Use short phrases
As you use a soft, but firm voice speak in simple short phrases. In my case, I calmly, but firmly state, “Boys, it is time to get ready for bed. Go get into bed.”
This allows them to hear the simple direction which is being told to them rather than, “I told you 20 minutes ago it was almost bedtime and you didn’t listen and you still won’t listen go get in bed or I will…” Yeah you know how that goes, right?
10. Is it you? Or is it them?
I have come to discover if you want to stop yelling at your kids, you need to determine if it is you? or is it them?
Are you being too tough on them? Do you set your expectations too high? Are you staying in control?
Are they being defiant? Are they not acting appropriately as they should for their age?
Sometimes we make a big to do about nothing and it is actually us who is the cause of the yelling.
As we analyze this, we are better able to stay in control more often.
11. Lower expectations if needed
Sometimes it is a matter of lowering our expectations. This might be cringe-worthy to some of you I know because it used to be for me too.
When I was going through recognizing my triggers I realized that I set a level of perfection that was unobtainable for the ages of my kids at the time.
When they were not able to reach my expectations I would tell them it wasn’t right, which caused frustration on their behalf, which then caused me to yell.
Once I lowered my expectations on the things I was asking them to help with to levels they could obtain the yelling ceased. We were a happier family.
12. Strengthen your bond with each other
Another crucial way you don’t want to miss when you want to stop yelling at your kids is to strengthen your bond with each other. There are surprisingly simple ways that you can connect with your kids.
In fact their our great ways to connect as a family as well! Sometimes connecting with teenagers can be difficult, but we lay out 15 ways you can connect with your teenagers to help strengthen your bond with one another.
As you do this, you naturally stop yelling at your kids because you are spending more time focusing on the good moments to help you through the difficult ones.
13. Remind yourself no one is perfect
As we remind us that no one is perfect it helps us to show more grace to our kids when situations occur that make us want to raise our voice.
We are all human and we all make mistakes. Kids will fail and it is our job to pick them up, dust them off, and help them try again.
So remind yourself that no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and extend grace to your kids.
14. Be consistent
Parenting is hard! We must be consistent while doing it.
When we are consistent we give our kids guidelines to follow and they know how to follow them.
But when we are inconsistent they can’t figure out what we expect from them.
One day they get away with eating a snack right before dinner and then the next day they are being yelled at for it.
Consistent parenting helps everyone know the expectations.
15. Set consequences / follow through
Another technique which you will have to use when you stop yelling at your kids is to set reasonable consequences and follow through with them.
If calm simple phrases are not working, then it is time to set a consequence. “Boys, if you do not go to bed, then you will lose wifi after school tomorrow.”
They can choose to act and go to bed (or whatever you are asking) or have the consequence.
“Talie, if you hit Tony again, you won’t be able to play a game with mom later.”
Setting these consequences is a much better approach than yelling.
16. Respond, don’t react
I learned early on that reacting doesn’t do anything, especially reacting in anger.
Reacting is based on split second emotions, where responses are thought out, calm, and effective.
17. Practice self care
Sometimes we need to feel better about ourselves to help gain a new perspective and to take a break from everything go on around us.
As we do this we are able to regain focus with a clear mind.
18. Develop more patience
To help control our yelling it comes down to patience. Find ways to develop more patience.
As we do this we are better able to handle high pressure situations that we would normally yell in.
19. Start some music / dance
Dancing and music help relieve stress instantly which will help you not even want to yell.
So when tensions begin to rise when you don’t want them to start some music, shake for a minute and refocus your mind to handle the situation in a better way.
20. Use humor
When the situation is escalating and you want to yell, using humor might be a good alternative.
Making a joke and laughing can change the situation completely.
When I tell a joke, the boys stop chasing each other and start wanting to tell jokes. I then let them tell a joke and then they head off to get ready for bed.
Humor helps any situation.
21. Put the phone down
Have you noticed yourself more likely to yell when you are on your phone? I tend to find my patience much shorter when I have my phone in my hand as a distraction.
Try putting the phone down and being more present in the moment. You will have more patience when it comes to addressing any situation.
What happens when I do yell at my kids?
We have all been there when we want to stop yelling at our kids, but we have a slip up and start yelling.
What do we do when this happens?
When we yell at our kid it is important that we apologize to them for yelling. It is not a time to justify our behavior, but to acknowledge our mistake.
Kids need to learn that everyone makes mistakes even moms and dads.
As we apologize for our shortcomings it teaches them how to apologize as well when they make mistakes.
2. Show an increase in love
Parenting can be so hard! So can being a kid! They are trying so hard to figure everything out.
In those moments after we lose it and yell, we need to make sure that our kids know they are loved.
We need to take this time to give them some extra attention, spend some quality time playing a game or reading a book or give them some extra hugs to make them know how much they are loved.
3. Don’t Beat Yourself Up!
For days after I yell, I worry that my kids hate me, even though they show no signs of hating me…
I mean kids are really the most incredible forgiving individuals in the world! It’s easy to think that we are the worst parents in the world.
We all think that every other parent is a better parent than yourself. This type of thinking doesn’t help anyone!
So pick yourself up and figure out what you want to do better next time so you are able to disciple without yelling at your kids.
I know you can do it!
Like this article? Check out these other great articles you might like!
What tips would you add to stop yelling at your kids to the list? Share in the comments!
Michele is a Family Life Educator with her degree in marriage and family studies. She is a mom to 5 kids and loves helping others strengthen their families! When she is not blogging she is spending time with her family and running around drinking Diet Coke trying to get everything done!