Funny Advice For New Parents That People Actually Say!

Last Updated on March 18, 2022 by Michele Tripple

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When you’re a new mom, there is no shortage of advice given to you by others. This funny advice for new parents is sure to make you laugh and go what the heck?! Who knows, you might even want to try one of these options! 

Funny Advice For New Parents

Let’s face it, some people are just too willing to give advice – especially when it comes to new parents. When you’re expecting your first baby, it seems that everyone has an opinion on how you should raise your child.

Often, the new mom advice is pretty good and maybe even helpful. But every once in a while you are given a piece of advice that is both hilarious and completely makes you go huh…

We’ve compiled a list of some of the funniest pieces of advice given to real parents by real people! We are sure you will laugh AND relate to some of these!

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What To Say When Someone Gives You Advice

When someone gives you unsolicited advice (especially if that advice is absurd), it can be hard to know how to respond. Your first instinct may be to mouth off and give them a piece of your mind. And you can do that if you want. But sometimes a simple, “thank you for your advice” is all that is needed. 

One of the best parts of being the parent is that YOU get to decide what is best for your family. And there is no one “right” way to be a parent. There are so many ways to be great at parenting! So don’t let the silly advice from others change how you feel about yourself as a parent. 

The Funniest Advice For New Parents

  1. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Yeah…. How would you like me to get anything else done? Especially if I have other kids… Will they watch themselves?Let your kid “learn their lesson.”
  2. One mom stated that she was given this advice when she was worried about her child getting too close to the fire. She was told “well if they touch it they will learn their lesson.” 
  3. Tape down your kid’s ears so that they aren’t sticking out. Hmmm… Does this even work?!
  4. Give a baby a bottle of water if they aren’t sleeping well. For the record… BAD advice. Breastmilk or formula is all your new baby needs.
  5. Let your husband take a turn at night with the baby. I am still trying to figure exactly how to do this if you exclusively breastfeed cause even on the most tired nights I could never sleep through my kids breastfeeding no matter how hard I tried. 
  6. Don’t let the baby be in a sitting position because it will hurt their back. Say what?
  7. Don’t let the baby stand with support because it will make them bow-legged. We will just leave that for us all to go huh…
  8. Give your babies benadryl so they will sleep. They might just sleep for a week straight. In case you haven’t figured it out… this is bad advice.
  9. Rub your nipples with a washcloth before having the baby so your nipples will be ready for breastfeeding. Or, you know, too raw to even think about breastfeeding.
  10. Plan to nurse until your kid is 6 or 7. Just no, no, and no! At least for me. 
  11. Just let your baby cry. Of course it’s necessary for babies to cry sometimes. But just “letting them cry” is not always easy, necessary, or healthy. Not to mention you might leak 19 ounces of breastmilk while you listen to them cry!
  12. Add alcohol to your baby’s bottle when they are upset.
  13. Drink a beer everyday to produce more breastmilk.
  14. Don’t lift your arms above your head while pregnant because it will make the umbilical cord wrap around your baby’s neck. An old wive’s tale that is somehow still circulating.
  15. Headbands are bad for babies. Why? Because they’ll make them go bald? Or because they’ll squeeze out their brains?
  16. If your baby isn’t wearing shoes, they will catch a cold. Shoes are clearly the best way to avoid catching a variety of viruses. 
  17. You don’t love your baby if you give them formula. What formula mom hasn’t heard this one?
  18. Babies only need to eat twice a day.
  19. If you breastfeed too much then your kid will be overweight as a teenager. I once knew someone who was breastfed and then fifteen years later… boom. Not overweight.
  20. When you and your husband are intimate again after having the baby, use Crisco as a lubricant. LOL, are you actually LOLing on this one?
  21. Give teething babies a Slim Jim. That might just be the luckiest baby on the planet.
  22. Start pumping a month before the baby is born to start storing milk. A great way to get you sick of breastfeeding before you’ve even started!
  23. If your babies don’t learn to crawl the right way then they won’t know how to read when they are older. Every good parent understands that one’s ability to read is closely tied to how well they can crawl. Not!
  24. Don’t leave the baby with your husband because they can’t tolerate the crying and will hurt the baby. If this is true then I’ve been putting my kids in danger for YEARS!
  25. If you tickle your baby, they will develop a stutter when they are older. Let’s just remember that correlation doesn’t equal causation. But this piece of advice is also lacking correlation.
  26. Don’t use a white noise machine or else your kids will have delayed speech development.Said no Doctor ever that I know.
  27. If your baby bites you while nursing, just bite them back. Sometimes you just go huh…
  28. Start running to lose weight as soon as you get home from the hospital.I guess if you do this you possibly could leave a trail for everyone to find you unless you are wearing some really awesome postpartum underwear!
  29. If your kids don’t wear wool underwear, they will get asthma.
  30. If you decide that labor won’t be painful then it won’t be. Oh, is that all it takes? I guess I’ve been doing it wrong all these times.
  31. If you eat peanut butter your baby will have a lot of hair.
  32. If your baby doesn’t wear a hat then they will get ear infections because of the wind.
  33. Don’t let your kids walk around barefoot or they will have wide feet.
  34. Stop holding your baby so much, you’ll spoil her.
  35. If you breastfeed for more than a month, your kids will become too attached to you.
  36. If your kid doesn’t stop biting other kids they won’t have any friends.
  37. Don’t burp the baby in a sitting down position because it will make their spine crooked.

What funny or bad parenting advice were you given? Tell us about it in the comments!

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