100 Hysterical Husband Wife Jokes

Last Updated on April 3, 2021 by Michele Tripple

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Marriage can be hard at times, lighten it up a little and laugh with these hysterical husband wife jokes to take a moment and stop stressing during the difficult moments.

When I was little I dreamt of marriage. Of course, it would be perfect. He would sweep me off my feet, we would never fight and we would live happily ever after. Can we all insert just a little bit of laughter? LOL. After being married for much of my life I have realized that it is HARD, but oh so worth it. As I have grown I have come to know that laughter is the best medicine to help us through the most trying times. I have relied on some good husband wife jokes to laugh off those difficult times to enjoy marriage again!

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Check out some of our favorite marriage jokes!

100 Husband Wife jokes

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right.

And the other is a husband!

My wife kept insisting I do macrame.

Finally I shouted, ‘Knot again!’

When did you get to know your spouse?

Sadly, a week or two after the wedding.

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it. She keeps standing by the window, staring.

If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.

Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Why is it called the PMS?

Because the Mad Cow Disease was taken.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn’t talking to me now.

A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live longer

…than men who point it out.

Mom, what does the stork do once he has fed the baby?

He lies on the couch, drinks beer, watches TV, burps, and farts.

My wife and I had very happy twenty years.

After that we met.

Husband: Will you marry after I die?

Wife: No, I will live with my sister. Will you marry after I die?

Husband: No, I will also live with your sister.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

You marry it.

Wife: Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.
Husband: But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.

Wife: True, but I do.

What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once.

Why do they call it the “mother tongue”?

Because the man never gets to put a word in.

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?

Wife: The table was too heavy.

Q. Why did God create Adam first and Eve as second?

A. Because he wasn’t interested in listening to anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife?

A. Because she was frigid.

Q. What four words are guaranteed to depress a husband anytime, anywhere?

A. ‘Hold my purse honey.’

Wife: If you keep losing your hair at this speed, I shall divorce you.

Husband: Oh my God! And I was stupid enough trying to save them!

Women are saints.

They forgive you even when you’re not guilty!

Q. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

A. They’re hard to get started, they emit foul odors, and they don’t work half the time!

My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy.

So I got drunk.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. 

She looked surprised to hear it.

I felt incomplete until I married you.

Now I’m finished.

Q. What is the penalty for bigamy?

A. Two mothers-in-law.

My wife said I ruined her birthday.

I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!

Police Inspector: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?
Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?

Husband: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. 

Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, “My wife is an angel.”

The second man says, “You’re lucky! Mine’s still alive.”

Men perfectly understand other people.

Provided those other people are men.

When you are single, you see happy couples everywhere.

But when you are married, you see happy singles everywhere.

A real man always accompanies his wife to the train station when she leaves. 

What other way to make sure she’s actually gone?

Q. How was the word “Wife” coined?

A. They took the first two and the last two letters of “Wildlife”!

Q. Why can’t married women get to heaven?

A. Because dragons never fly above 8,000 feet.

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can.

She’s telepathetic.

Telegram to husband: Wife dead. Bury or cremate?

Man: Take no chances. Burn, then bury ashes.

I bought my wife a mood ring. When she’s in a good mood, the ring turns blue.

But when she’s in a bad mood, it leaves a big red spot in the middle of my forehead.

Q. Why do men so often die before their wives do?

A. Because they want to.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?

A. A wife. She will tell him how everything works.

Q. What do bacon and wives have in common?

A. They both look, smell and taste fantastic; they both also kill you slowly.

Q. If love is “grand,” what is divorce?

A. A hundred grand, or more.

If it’s true that girls will probably marry men who resemble their fathers,

it would explain why so many mothers cry at weddings.

Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife.

Sadly, bigamy is against the law.

Q. Why does psychoanalysis work quicker with men than with women?

A. Because when it’s time to return to one’s childhood, the man is already there.

Marriage is like a walk in the park.

Jurassic Park.

Man: I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.

Friend: Why not?

Man: I don’t like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Wife: Please say dirty things to me!

Husband: Bath, Kitchen, Living room…

I just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner,”

and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?

Husband: How can I? I don’t even know her.

Scientists have finally found out what a woman wants.

Unfortunately, she changed her mind since then.

Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?

Wife: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it. 

Husband: My truck.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude.

He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

My husband cooks for me like I’m a god…

by placing burnt offerings before me every night!

Q. Why does a rooster crow so early in the morning?

A. It wants to get a word in before all the hens wake up.

When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. 

In response, my husband will smile sweetly, nod my way, and explain, “We both love me.”

Wife: What are ten years with me?
Husband: A second.
Wife: What is $1,000 for me?
Husband: A coin.
Wife: Ok, give me a coin.

Husband: Wait a second.

Q. What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner

A. She gave him the cold shoulder.

Wife: It’s our anniversary, darling. How do you suggest we celebrate?

Husband: With a minute of silence?

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife: Yes and no.

Wife: “How would you describe me?”

Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

Wife: “What does that stand for?”

Husband: “Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H).”

Wife: “Aw, thank you! But what about IJK?”

Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.

Father: Son, that’s true everywhere.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes.

She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing…

Either the car is new or the wife is!

Friend 1: All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.
Friend 2: If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?

Friend 1: I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.

I got all sentimental when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour.

Then I found out he’s been looking for an expiry date.

Q. What’s the world’s smallest handcuffs?

A. Wedding rings.

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.

I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

My wife is so sweet. Every day, she asks me what I want to have for dinner.

And then tells me to get it packed on the way back home!

I don’t really mind sleeping on the couch. It’s like living my childhood fantasies about the Wild West!

Including the angry mama bear nearby!

Doctor: Do you do dangerous sports?

Patient: Well, sometimes I talk back to my wife.

A golden rule of the wife:

There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.

Never laugh at your wife’s choices.

You are one of them.

My wife told me she needs more space.

I said no problem and locked her out of the house.

Wife: Honey, what do you love most about me? My honed body or my charming face?

Husband: Your sense of humor.

Q. What to give a man who’s got everything?

A. A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.

Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.
Einstein: Tell me what you need. I’m here to help.
Wife: I just need two things right now: some space and time.

Einstein: Ok, so what’s the second thing?

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.

But she figured out I was only after my money.

I married Miss Right.

I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Marriage is an institution of three rings.

Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

Husband: ILY.

Wife: Can you please say the words? It makes it better.

Husband: I’m leaving you.

Wife: Honey, do you think I gained weight?

Husband: No, I think the living room got smaller.

Husband: I need space!

Wife: Join NASA!

I got really angry with my car navigation today. I even yelled at it to go to hell.

Twenty minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

A man put out a classified ad that read, “Wife wanted.”

The next day, he received a hundred responses, all saying the same thing: “You can have mine.”

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house.

He got the outside.

A married man’s best asset is …

His ‘Lie-Ability’!

Wife: If I’d known you were this poor, I’d never have married you.

Husband: Don’t pretend I didn’t warn you! How many times did I tell you that you’re everything I have?

Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

Wife: Because I married the wrong man!

Marriages are made in heaven.

But so are thunder and lightning.

Wife: Honey, guess who’s not wearing any panties and bra today?

Husband, “Ah, that’s why your face looks so stretched today!”

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

Wife: How did you like your lunch today, darling?

Husband: Oh you just have to look for reasons to fight, don’t you?!

When a newly married woman looks happy, we know why.

But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

Wife: You know what? I refuse to talk about this anymore!

Wife 10 second later: And you know what else?

My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patrick’s Day. I asked her how she colored it.

She said she didn’t know what I was talking about.

My wife and I often exchange opinions.

I come with my own and leave with hers.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 20 years.

If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any underwear.

Oh boy, she’s already growing forgetful.

What husband wife jokes would you add to the list? Share in the comments!

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